The Words I Never Said
by Shuriyaki-San
Summary: I couldn't say them. Now I pay the price. One-Shot


Read. A/N at the end.

* * *

Why did it always turn out this way? Why must I always be so weak? That I can't even tell the boy I love how much I care about him? It hurts to watch him suffer, but I can't save him. As much as I want to, I can't pull him from the depths of his sorrow.

Everyone knew what would happen if the traitor decided to come back. It was selfish of me, but I wished he would stay gone forever. At least then, my precious Naruto-kun could stay happy. Oblivious, but happy, if only a little while longer.

I always watch from a distance. Watching as he throws himself at Sakura. She pays him no mind, and for that I hate her. No one knows, but I can actually be quite nasty if I want to. I just never show it, or do it openly. It just isn't me to publicly humiliate someone by calling them out on faults, or to call them names. It doesn't help anyone, and they don't get why they're terrible people. I have no clue how she doesn't know though. This loving, caring, amazing man is giving her his heart, and all she wants to do is smash it over and over.

She doesn't deserve him. But then again, neither do I.

Like I said, I don't try to save him. I watch from a distance and cheer for him, but silently. I try to push him along, but without him ever knowing. I might as well be invisible to him. He talks to me, of course, and I cherish every moment that he gives me, but it's just as much time as he gives all of our other friends. Nothing special, just the normal interactions he has with those who actually decided to give him the time of day when no one else would.

He, of course, doesn't know that I've been doing that the longest of anyone - except maybe the Sandaime. But he had long since passed away, and I'm still here. Cheering. Waiting.

I doubt he'll ever notice my feelings, as apparent as I try to make them for him to see. I can't bring myself to outright confess, I don't deserve his love. All I can do is selfishly hope that he sees my affections by himself, and decides on his own to take me as his woman. I wish he would. I want to give him everything. I want to give him the world, and more, if only he'd let me stand by his side. I could do so much for him...

Heh, am I crying again? I'm so sick of crying, it doesn't help at all. And yet, as I wipe the tears away, I can't help but imagine it's Naruto doing it for me. Maybe after he would do that, he'd wrap me up in that big warm embrace that he has. I've felt it before, luckily, and it was absolute heaven. So warm...so safe...secure...

I wish I could feel that way every night, wrapped in his arms. I've imagined it countless times. Maybe if I keep thinking about it, it'll happen. Maybe if I dream hard enough, it'll become reality. What's wrong with hoping? All my life I've hoped. Hoped that I would finally be good enough for my father. Hoped that I would stop being a burden to those I hold dear. Hoped that the boy who had captured my heart all those years ago would finally let me guard his own.

I watched as said boy sat on a bench alone, in the middle of the night, tears dripping down his face as he stared at a lone popsicle in his hand. I knew that look. He was remembering Jiraiya-sama. That look of depression on his face was so out of place. He was usually so full of life, so vibrant...my own little sun. He drew me to him. Made me feel warm and protected. Maybe that's why I felt invulnerable in his arms.

Each tear drop that hit the concrete beneath him sent a spike through my heart. I longed to leap out from my place of hiding, to wrap him in my arms and tell him that everything would be ok. But I couldn't. I don't deserve him...I don't...

"Hinata-sama."

I didn't acknowledge the voice. Neji was prone to follow me whenever I was out at night.

"Hinata-sama, you don't have to torture yourself this way."

I scoffed, turning around to look at him, annoyed that I had to take my eyes off my precious Naruto-kun. "What do you know about it, Nii-san? The pain that he has to carry, and suffer through...this is the least I can do for him."

Neji narrowed his eyes. "You could always go to him, Hinata-sama..."

I narrowed my eyes back, my temper quickly rising. Didn't he understand me at all? "I can't do that." I said, my voice sad and angry at the same time.

"Why not?" he asked, annoying me further.

"Because." I said, my voice growing more and more despondent. "I don't deserve him. Someone as strong and amazing as him, as caring and friendly, as courageous and loving...I don't deserve him. I could never stand by him and feel like I earned my place at his side."

I watched as Neji's expression didn't change. That should give him the idea. I turned back, watching as Naruto wiped his eyes of any evidence of his sadness, but the damp cement below him was evidence of otherwise.

"That's your own opinion, Hinata-sama." Neji said, but I didn't turn back around. He still didn't know what he was talking about. "You think you don't deserve him, but I don't see you doing anything to resolve that problem." Ok, ouch. "I don't see you trying to help. In fact, I doubt you even love him as you say you do." I gritted my teeth. He was toeing the line...

"You're no better than Sakura."

I whipped around, my eyes burning in anger. Who the fuck did he think he was, comparing me to that wench? "Listen here, _Nii-San_-"

"No, _you _listen to _me_." Neji hissed back. I faltered for a second, and he pressed his advantage. "Naruto throws his heart at her, but she isn't dishonest with him. She turns him away flatly, and it's only because of much he cares for her that he continues with his pursuit of her. She's _honest _with him, Hinata-sama. Can you claim as such?"

I recoiled. It felt like someone had just slapped me. Was I honest with him? I never lied to him, that was for sure. I would never...but when he asked for my reasons for doing things for him sometimes, I would give him lame excuses. 'Oh, I had already made these Naruto-kun.' 'I was already passing this way Naruto-kun.' 'I do this for Shino and Kiba all the time Naruto-kun.'

I hadn't once told him it was because I had hoped he liked my cooking, so I could do it more. Or that I had seen him buying alot, so I made my way to his route home so I could help him carry it. Or that I had never once sewn up Kiba or Shino's clothing, and that it was only something I'd do for him. Ok, so maybe I had lied. But it was to protect him...

"No, it was to protect yourself." Neji said gently. I realized I had been thinking out loud.

I shirked away from him. "Stop...just leave me alone..." I muttered. I couldn't take this right now.

Neji sighed before putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. "For your own good, no. I won't. You need to confront him, and confess your feelings. You're nervous for his answer, but your avoiding the situation will only bring about worse things than a straight rejection if he decides that he doesn't want you."

I looked down, the possibility that Naruto might not want me echoing throughout my head. If that came to be...I don't know what I'd do. I _needed _him. Like I needed air or food or water. He was my inspiration, my strength, my courage. Hell, I had faced down the leader of the Akatsuki for him. I had almost died, but...

Thinking about that, had he heard my confession? I was able to say it with such confidence when I was sure I would die...but I had never heard anything from him about it. He never brought it up and acted mostly the same around me.

Before I knew it I found myself walking down the road Naruto had just begun to travel on, quickening my pace to reach his. I felt strangely calm, as if a stranger were guiding my body.

"Naruto-kun." I called out calmly, and felt my heart clench when he turned his red-rimmed eyes onto my form.

"H-Hinata-chan..." he said weakly, wiping at his eyes more. I felt my heart squeeze more as my love looked at me, obviously distressed. I held back my impulse to reach for him, and crossed my hands behind my back to help meet that end.

"Naruto-kun...what's wrong?" I asked lightly, keeping my voice gentle. I wanted him to trust me, so I would take this slow.

I watched as the boy tried to put on his usual happy face, succeeding only slightly. "N-Nothing! I'm right as rain, just like always Hinata-ch-"

"Please don't lie to me Naruto-kun..." I said lowly, dropping my eyes to the ground. "I can't stand when those I care for lie to me."

I waited a second before I raised my eyes, sad to see that his ocean-blue orbs were dull, also directed at the first in front of us. "Guess I can't fool you...huh Hinata..." he said sadly.

"Tell me what's wrong." I said, a bit of desperation creeping into my voice as I took a step forward. I hated seeing Naruto like this. He deserved to be happy, more than anyone.

"What else?" he said bitterly, kicking a rock. "My sensei is d...is gone. The village finally accepts me but..." he shook his head. "It isn't like what I thought it would be...I thought everything would be better, you know? That I wouldn't be lonely anymore. I thought that maybe, Sakura-chan would finally notice me."

That name send a spike of anger through my heart, and I clenched my fist. Naruto didn't notice though, and continued on.

"I thought that she would recognize that I've become strong, and can protect her. That I would do anything for her. But that isn't going to happen...I realize that now. So now everything is hitting me again, but stronger. It doesn't matter how many friends I have, or how many random people come up and congratulate me. It doesn't matter that I'm the hero. Because I still wake up alone, and come home to an empty apartment. I eat alone, sleep alone...I hate it..." he finished, bitter tears leaking from his eyes again.

I felt myself dying a little more with each word that left his mouth. I could be preventing this. I can be the one you come home to, Naruto-kun! I can be the one that makes you feel not so alone anymore! That's what I wanted to scream to him. It's what I wanted him to understand. But I couldn't summon the words to my mouth. I couldn't stop the pain that he was feeling. And that's why I silently watched him walk away. The worst mistake of my life, and the last. Because the next day, I found out that the ANBU had found a note in his apartment, stating that he was going to finish off the Kyuubi once and for all, as well as himself, so that he couldn't hurt anyone. He had saved the village, and that was enough for him.

I ran as fast as I could, following his trail through the forest. I needed to tell him. I had to tell him how much he meant to me. How everything of his made each day bearable for me. His smile, his laugh, his eyes, his jokes, his scent. Everything.

As I burst out of the forest to the Valley of End, I could do nothing but stare at his body that was laying on the side of the river. Blood had pooled beneath him. I raced over, but there was nothing that could be done. His lifeless blue eyes stared up into mine as I called his name, hoping that he would come back to me. He wouldn't. It didn't matter how much I called his name, or tried not to stare at his own heart that he held in his fist. How could he do this? How could he leave me here, all alone?

I carried his body to the top of the cliffs, holding it close to my body as I cried my heart out. He was gone. It was my fault. I could have saved him, I could have given him someone to care about. But I didn't, my cowardice was in the way. It was always in the way. Why couldn't I be strong enough for him? At least, at the very end, I'll be able to be strong. I'll be able to follow him to the afterlife.

These thoughts ran through my head as I let myself drop off the edge of the cliff, Naruto's stiff arms wrapped around me as best I could get them. I thought about everything he had ever done for me as the wind whipped through my hair. I thought about the life we could have had, had I stepped forward and let him know how much I loved him.

At least now, when I meet him in death, I'll finally be able to tell him, and we'll be together, finally, after all these years.

A felt a peaceful smile come to my face as I kissed his forehead, the cold flesh making my tears come all the more heavier. I opened my eyes to see the ground approaching fast, and I squeezed his body as tightly as I could.

I was able to utter one phrase before my world went black, and I entered the void.

"I love you, Naruto-kun."

* * *

Hey. I don't usually write when I get into a bad mood, but I suppose this is what happens when I do. This just kinda came to me as I was writing it, and I intend to keep it this way. If this hit you hard at all, I got it from the song The Words I Never Said by Mage, a remix from a song with the same name by some other guy I don't care about. Listen to the song. And think about your relationships with people. With your family, your friends, a lover, crush, whatever. And let them know everything you want them too. Life is too short to keep things to yourself. Please. I've experienced this on more than one occasion, and it hurts. Really bad.

I read and write for the purpose of finding myself, as well as helping other people do the same. I find meaning the words. Please, try and find meaning in these.

See you next time.

Ja ne.


End file.
